another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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