I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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