Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't deserve a penis
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
