I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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