She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
