I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize