I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
