Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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