yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
