bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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