I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
