That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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