Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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