Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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