i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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