my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
