So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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