Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
