When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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