It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
