you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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