I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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