remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize