tell your sister to shave her snatch
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
