apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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