one two three fourrrrnication!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The beers last night were like the tears from god
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize