The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
