I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
