i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
