I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
3pm strippers are depressing
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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