I heard we made out
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
