Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
