Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
