i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
