I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
