Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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