i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
