so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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