my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
