Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
