wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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