After last night, I could never be a politician.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
