I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
All I want is dick and wine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize