i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
