just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
