she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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