the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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