Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
