a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
