is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize