I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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