I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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