This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
