Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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