I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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