That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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